00:45

Welcome to today's episode. I have got a question for you. What do you do with that moment when you are certain that your offer is going to work, your webinar is going to sell, or that client is going to sign, and then it doesn't happen. We're talking today about that moment when failure seems to be staring you in the face. And especially those moments when you have known in your heart of hearts, in your soul, with everything in you, that you were heading in the right direction, that then somehow, some way, no one shows up, no one signs up, and you begin to question everything about yourself and your business. 

 

 01:40

We're talking about that moment today, that space that exists for everybody. And we're talking about it as a space of choice. Not the type of choice that we talk about in a way of condemning ourselves, criticizing ourselves, judging ourselves for not being more positive. 

 

 02:00

Or if we're doing the same old stupid patterns again and again, that's not what we're talking about when we say choice. We're talking about today, right now, opening up and inviting more curiosity in that space to actually see and understand the choices you're making and why you're making them, and what could possibly be different with a little more awareness, a little more curiosity, and a little more compassion and self-connection. 

 

 02:38

So, before we dive into this content, I am giving a huge shout out to the coaches in my community, those in the Masterful Coach Collective, my Master Coach community. There is such incredible work going on, and let me tell all of you, I cannot wait. 

 

 02:59

to reveal a big project we have going on. And I'll just give you a little teaser, a little hint here. If you love the idea of having a collection of wisdom, insights, and teachings from the best Master Coaches you can imagine, if you like the idea of having a collection of their goodness and their wisdom, something like that is coming your way. 

 

 03:24

So I have 12 of my Master Coaches who are absolutely phenomenal with emotion work, with understanding the nervous system, with understanding how to guide their clients through deep transformation. We are coming together to put something out there for you that is going to blow your mind. 

 

 03:44

So stay tuned and take a minute right now to send some good vibes and support to my master coaches who are working so hard on this project. All right, so let's talk about when it doesn't work out. What do we do after the big letdown? 

 

 04:02

So the truth is that this moment happens for everyone. And as you're listening to this, I want you to think about some of the coaches, business owners, entrepreneurs, that you see as further ahead, that you see as a huge success, that you see maybe as the ultimate place you would love to be. 

 

 04:21

And this is what I want to tell you loud and clear. They have more than likely experienced this big letdown many more times than you have yet experienced. Because the fact is that it happens and there are good reasons that it happens. 

 

 04:40

And it truly is what we do within that space and how we evolve and change what we do within that space that will lead you to success. Failure is not personal, it's universal, okay? And the difference between those who ultimately succeed. 

 

 04:59

And those who don't lies in how they engage in this space. So let's think for just a minute, we're going to remove any judgment, any opinions, any criticisms about the answers to these questions or this question, I should say. 

 

 05:13

But I want you to think about the last time something didn't work out. And I want you to think about what did you do? I'm going to give you a few scenarios to choose from. These are very common choices, common options. 

 

 05:31

Did you begin to question yourself, question your decisions, question your intuition, question your knowing, maybe even question your mission? Did you perhaps start to panic and go into frantic action of problem solving? 

 

 05:51

Did you emotionally fall apart? Did you melt into a puddle on the floor? Did you quit, freeze, avoid? Most likely you have done, if not all of these, at least some version of all of them, right? And you may have some that are your go-to, your favorites. 

 

 06:12

And this is normal. And the reason why we do these things is that all of us have a nervous system. And this is what happens when we are human. The power is in seeing the pattern, understanding the pattern, and offering yourself a supportive path of greater choice. 

 

 06:31

So we're going to talk about three very common patterns. And I want you to notice where you identify these. And we're also going to talk about another option in relation to each of these common patterns. 

 

 06:42

The first we're going to talk about is the downward spiral. So when I'm talking about the downward spiral, this is the moment when our thoughts and emotions run wild. They start spinning. Our brains start spinning on this self-doubt spree. 

 

 07:01

We're suddenly collecting evidence of why it didn't work, why we're not doing a good job, and maybe even why it will never work. This is when we start spinning and spiraling downward with dead-end questions like, when is this going to get better? 

 

 07:18

What's wrong with me? Why can't I figure this out? These dead-end questions lead nowhere. They exacerbate emotional overwhelm. It lends itself to rumination and catastrophizing. Everyone listening here can probably relate at least to some degree. 

 

 07:40

So notice, is this something that you tend to go to? The self-doubt spiral. I absolutely have. Now it gets better over time, but I'm saying this because this is a normal knee-jerk reaction, but it doesn't have to be that. 

 

 07:58

way and we're going to talk about something else you can do instead. Let's talk about pattern number two, the suppression. So this is when we go into this mind over matter space, but we do it in a way where it is more like toxic positivity or bypassing where we're trying to pretend that it doesn't hurt. 

 

 08:19

We're trying to shut out those thoughts and feelings. So think about this. Sometimes people can tend to go to this downward spiral, right? And then we think the solution is saying, I'm not going to let my mind go there. 

 

 08:30

I'm not going to let my emotions go there. Mind over matter, toughen up, get some grit, get back at it. And there are ways we can do this, which are useful that I'm going to talk about in a minute. And there are ways we do this, which is not so useful, which is what I'm talking about now, the suppression. 

 

 08:45

Pretending it doesn't hurt, powering through without actually taking the time to process your experience. So, how many of you relate to the suppression? Oftentimes, the suppression comes with the hope that it will be the antidote to the spiral. 

 

 09:04

And the problem is that the suppression doesn't work either. Let's talk about one more common pattern, and then we're gonna move into some solutions here. The third one, and I left this for the last because this, in my opinion, is often both the sneakiest and absolutely the most detrimental to self. 

 

 09:28

And this is the pattern of the erosion of self, or you can also think of it as a crisis of inner authority. This is when we are taking it a step further than the self-doubt spiral, and we're actually questioning our own intuition, questioning your decisions that you made, especially the decisions you made from feeling a sense of knowing, a sense of certainty, questioning your mission, maybe even questioning if your gifts or abilities are really relevant. 

 

 10:11

Do I matter? Does what I'm doing matter, okay? The kind of thinking that can accompany this are things like, maybe I was never meant to do this. How can I even begin to trust what I feel? I thought I knew, and yet it turned out this way. 

 

 10:29

How can my knowing really be trusted when this is the result, okay? And I want to talk about why this is the most damaging of all and why I believe the focus on the antidote to this is one of the most powerful things you can do. 

 

 10:49

When you, when we, when all of us, go to a place of questioning the knowing that we experience. The problem is that we begin to erode our own foundation of self-trust. We start to weaken our connection with ourselves. 

 

 11:12

We start to weaken our spiritual connection that we have with our own knowing, with our own gifts. And the problem is that as we weaken this foundation, it increases, compounds, and exacerbates self-doubt. 

 

 11:34

When you begin to question yourself, you begin to rely more on louder and bigger voices and noise all around you. We start to look more for outside validation. We disconnect from self more often. And over time, you will feel weaker and weaker in your own decisions and your own ability. 

 

 11:54

This is why this is most damaging of all. And this is, I have to speak up right here for Master Coach mentorship and certification that I offer because this right here, the antidote to this is one of the key components, the absolute foundation of this program. 

 

 12:15

Because when I am working with you as a coach, first of all, when we can help to solidify your foundation of self-connection with relationship with self, trust with self, and your belief in your gifts, that is when you have the strongest anchor. 

 

 12:36

And furthermore, not only does that anchor you and empower your entire life, but you're also learning how to do this for your clients. Because right now in this moment, we're talking about you as a coach, right? 

 

 12:55

And coming up against this erosion of self or crisis of inner authority. But isn't it true that your clients experience the exact same thing in their own ways? As a parent in their relationships, in their business, with their boss, whatever it is your client is trying to expand in their life, the foundation has got to be that self-connection and self-trust. 

 

 13:26

So that was a little bit of a tangent, but it's worth saying because truly I believe if I do nothing else for you as a listener for you as my clients listening, if I do nothing else other than strengthen your own sense of connection with self, trust self, connection with your gifts and abilities. If I do nothing else other than that, I call that a good day because that truly is where everything expands and grows from. 

 

 14:01

Okay, are you ready to talk about some solutions or some distinctions between these three things that I've just talked about, these common patterns and the way to actually do them? Well, okay, so let's talk first about this spiraling, the self-doubt spiral, there is a difference between spiraling and processing and processing is really important. 

 

 14:27

One keeps you stuck, which is this downward spiral and the other sets you free. So I'm going to give you one of my favorite examples of this. One of the shows that I absolutely love to watch. We watched this several years ago, it was Undercover Billionaire. 

 

 14:43

So Undercover Billionaire was a show that actually I don't even know if it's still on, but I watched a couple of seasons of it and they, they would take a billionaire, self-made billionaire and plop them in the middle of someplace where nobody really knew who they were, often a remote place. 

 

 15:01

They had like a hundred dollars and a car that was not in very good condition and had no contacts. And the challenge was that within 30 days they needed to build a business that could sell for a million dollars. 

 

 15:14

And what was so cool about this, especially the very first season of this, what was so cool is to watch that every single week that billionaire would go in with a certainty, with a knowing, with an enthusiasm about their plan and what goal they were going to meet that week and every single week, other than one of the 13 weeks, they did not meet this goal. 

 

 15:42

He did not meet this goal. And do you know what would happen when he didn't meet the goal? He didn't go to toxic positivity. He didn't bypass the emotions. You would actually hear him expressing words and emotions about how discouraged, how frustrated he was. 

 

 16:00

He would say, I don't know how this is going to work. I mean, this seems like it's going to be impossible. And he would allow it to all be there. And then guess what? The very next scene, he's back at it. 

 

 16:12

He's going strong. He's determined. And so I bring this up because if you are thinking that entertaining any thoughts or emotions that you would consider in the negative realm is a problem, that is actually not true. 

 

 16:26

It is vital that we process those emotions. One of the ways we do this in my community with my coaches and in our training is we do. a lot of tapping. And we use tapping to process those emotions and be with them and allow them to move through. 

 

 16:42

Journaling is fantastic. Walking, a walking meditation, talking out loud. The difference is you want to make sure that you are allowing space for those emotions and for those thoughts to come out without taking them on as absolute truth or as a part of your identity. 

 

 17:01

And so I want you to really think about this. What is the difference for you between processing, moving the emotions through and going to a place of spiraling and self-doubt and taking on the story that you're telling as absolute truth and as permanent? 

 

 17:20

There is a huge difference. One will move you forward and the other will keep you stuck. All right, let's talk about the second one here, the difference between bypassing or toxic positivity and rising above. So real empowerment includes feeling okay and oftentimes once we've done what I just spoke about which is the processing and given a minute right for that to settle in that's when we can actually move to a place of strength that is for sure the pattern that I follow something happens sometimes I can feel like okay I'm okay for a minute and then then comes the fall apart right then comes the moment where I have to get the words out and get the emotions out and I'm doing my tapping and I'm crying and I'm moving and I'm doing all of this and then that's when I have processed and built that inner strength to rise above okay so notice for yourself what this looks like for you so the difference between bypassing and shutting out the thoughts and emotions and rising above is truly in how you will feel take a minute to notice am I pushing against the negative feelings here because I'm afraid of them or am I actually feeling truly like I'm in a place where I can seek a new mindset here where I can focus forward and one thing I want to offer you as well is this doesn't have to be linear it could be that something happens and you go to a space of rising above in a very healthy and positive way and that feels like the direction you need to go and then guess what maybe some of those emotions come up and you can attend to them so this isn't linear and the the most important thing I want you to take away from this is that there is a difference between an emotional spiral and emotional processing okay and even emotional processing can look messy it looks like tears it looks like melting down and it's okay are you allowing space for those feelings to be okay for them to be heard for them to be felt so that you can then move forward okay so I want you to notice the difference between those two and notice the difference between the bypassing and the rising above. 

 

 19:37

One of them is denying the feelings, pushing them aside. I don't want to go there. I won't go there because I'm afraid of going there. And the other one is truly a sense of feeling strong and solid enough to rise above. 

 

 19:51

The more you pay attention to these patterns in yourself, the more you will understand them for you, which is the perfect segue into our last point, which is the anchor, self-knowing and self-purpose. 

 

 20:08

So we talked about this erosion of self and what is the antidote? What is it that you truly need in these moments? So first and foremost, if you notice a lot of that self-erosion happening for you, bring so much compassion and know that it's normal and be aware of it and know that you deserve better. 

 

 20:33

You deserve an opportunity to have an inner dialogue for you that is better. Because the truth is, and I don't use the word truth lightly. Because truth is subjective, right? And the truth, the absolute truth, is that who you are and what is inside of you, and your gifts and abilities and what you offer, they matter. 

 

 21:01

You do have a knowing. And it is a felt sense. That's what it is, which is what makes it so difficult and also what makes it so amazing. Because the more you can connect with that, the more you have this power inside of you, this true grounding, this true anchor within that can withstand anything, anything that is happening around you. 

 

 21:31

So that's the first piece of advice is to notice and offer yourself something better. Now let's talk about the anchor, which I believe is the beginning and the middle and end of all of this work. In Master Coach training, it is the beginning, the middle and end of the work. 

 

 21:47

With their clients, it is the beginning, the middle and the end of the work. And anyone that comes into my community, that is the beginning, the middle and the end of the work, the self-knowing and purpose. 

 

 22:01

So in a practical sense, what I would love to offer you is it is absolutely vital that you are regularly anchoring yourself in who you are, what matters to you, your mission and your values. This is why I am an advocate of building an ideal life and business vision for yourself. 

 

 22:21

What are my values and priorities? What is my ideal life? What do I want to bring forth in the world professionally and personally? And who do I want to be? And now how do I set up a plan to make that happen? 

 

 22:33

That is how we validate self, that is how we reinforce who we are and we anchor ourselves. So you want to have regular practice of anchoring yourself in who you are and what your mission is. And you want to do this, right? 

 

 22:47

If we just take this example of a webinar or an event or having a consultation with a client, anchor yourself in who you are in your knowing and in your purpose before choose that you will bring that energy into the event, into the webinar, into the session. 

 

 23:03

And then after it's all said and done, regardless of the outcome, anchor yourself in who you are and what your mission is and what your knowing is. Now along with this, I want to offer you something really important. So pay attention to this. 

 

 23:20

Can you think of a time when you knew something was the best step to take, the best choice to make? You absolutely knew it. And as you took that step forward, it did not turn out the way you wanted. It did not turn out the way you anticipated. 

 

 23:36

And then you start questioning what you knew. Here's what I want to offer you. Be very careful about tying a specific outcome that comes in a specific way with the validity of your knowing. Because in truth, we can be aligned. 

 

 24:00

You can be aligned with yourself and your knowing and what you ultimately want to create. You can know what the next best step is. You can have that clarity. And you can boldly take that step. And sometimes the exact way you thought it would play out doesn't happen. 

 

 24:21

Sometimes the form that your mission or your goal will take will be slightly different. And the more you can understand and make space for that, the more ease at which you can move through these moments when the outcome doesn't look exactly the way that you thought it would. 

 

 24:41

And what it allows you is the opportunity to see a different option in that moment when things turn out that is different than questioning your knowing and your decision. Now, what does this look like instead? 

 

 24:56

What this looks like is, here I am. I was intentional. I made this choice from a place of moving toward what I want with a genuine intention, with genuine focus. And here I am, it didn't turn out the way I wanted. 

 

 25:13

That doesn't have to mean that I need to question what my vision is, that I need to question myself. What it means is I can be curious in this moment about what is the next best step for me? What do I know is the next best thing to do? 

 

 25:29

What about this can I let go of? What about this can shift? These are the kind of questions that you can ask yourself and the more you offer yourself the opportunity to reconnect with your own deep knowing, with yourself, to anchor yourself in who you are and what matters to you and what you want and your priorities, the more you can do that, you will build the resilience to be able to handle it when things do not go as planned and stop allowing that to cause you to question who you are and what you know. 

 

 26:09

All right, coach, this is what I have got for you. Take the time to listen to this again. Notice what you do in those moments when things did not go as planned. Do you panic? Do you take frantic action? 

 

 26:23

Do you start changing everything? Do you melt down? Do you fall apart? Do you pull back? What do you do? Look at it without judgment and... What can you do to have a more supportive process for yourself to handle and process your emotions with kindness and compassion, to be able to choose with intention the way you will think, and to be able to anchor yourself before in the middle and after, so that you can continue to lead your business and your life with the very best parts of who you are and what you have to offer. 

 

 27:03

If today's episode resonated with you, if this is speaking to you, I absolutely recommend that you go check out Master Coach Training and I would be so, so honored if you would leave a five-star review on this podcast and share it with others. 

 

 27:20

The more we can help each other to anchor ourselves in who we are and to make decisions that are led from integrity, that are led from a strong sense of self, the better this world will be across the board. It will have a ripple effect and I believe we have the power to do it. Thanks for being here with me today and I'll talk with you next week.