Molly Claire 00:45

Hello, coaches. Well, I'm excited about this conversation that Leah Davidson and I are going to have here with you talking about approaching your coaching sessions through the lens of emotions, emotional needs, and through the nervous system, which of course Leah is an expert at. So we're just going to have an awesome conversation. Get excited to learn about how you can be a more safe and really a more effective coach in everything you do. Welcome, Leah. Here we go.

Leah Davidson 01:20

Thanks for having me, Molly. 

Molly Claire 01:22

I feel like I've been a little spoiled lately, because of course the last three weeks, we've had you in Master Coach training. I feel like I cannot ever get enough of the stuff that you bring. And it's just a lot of fun. So I know, and then Leah and I, we kind of, we're concocting these ideas on the side of what we could do together. So we'll see. 

Leah Davidson 01:42

We'll see. We'll see. Well, when you connect with somebody comes right back to the nervous system, right? That's why it's all about the nervous system for me is when you connect to somebody, this is what happens. Creativity and you know, you share and you amplify each other. And so I think that's what's happening here. 

Molly Claire 02:03

Yeah, that's right. It's true, right? So I love that you pointed that out because think about those of you listening, think about how when you're working with your clients, how creativity and ideas and momentum, like there's so much power in that. And it all begins with having safety in the nervous system, it's got to be there or any ways that you're trying to conjure up creativity or motivation, it's just not going to work. That's it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. 

Leah Davidson 02:32

And we know for healing to happen, you know, you have to have safety. It's often said like safety is healing and healing is safety. And a lot of people will wonder, well, what does that even mean? And what it means is safety provides a container for which work can happen. Safety provides a container for connection to happen. Safety provides a container for creativity to happen. So if you don't have safety, it's like you're dancing on eggshells. And we all know how uncomfortable that is to be in a relationship where everybody's walking on eggshells. We don't want to be walking on eggshells with ourselves, with our partners, with our coaches, we just don't want that happening. 

Molly Claire 03:12

That's right. Okay. So let me bring you all in here and just kind of, hopefully some of you here have listened to past episodes, but just in case, kind of getting you up to speed on, you know, the philosophy here and in this podcast and in this space is really about ensuring that as a coach, you are creating a space for your clients that is ethical, that is safe, and that you can do really phenomenal work with your clients. And there are a lot of different approaches to coaching. People can have, you know, a really strong mindset approach to coaching or just all about taking action. There are a lot of approaches and I'm a huge believer in having this holistic view so that you as a coach can really be an incredible force in your client's life to help them to really expand and transform. So having said all of that today, as we continue this conversation, we're going to zero in on this idea of safety because when I think, Leah, right, when most people think about a coach or becoming a coach, creating a safe environment is not exactly the first thing on their mind. We might think of that in the therapy space, but not necessarily in coaching. But as you and I know, it's a big deal. 

Leah Davidson 04:29

Yeah. And I wonder why we think it would be different in therapy versus coaching. Because essentially, we may focus on different things. We may have where therapy is focused on, you know, diagnoses, and maybe when there's some non-functioning happening, maybe there's some specific kinds of techniques and tools that are used. Whereas coaching, you know, we talk about it being more forward thinking and being more goal setting. But the reality is, humans come to whatever service is being provided, and healing can take place. We don't just because I'm like, oh, I'm at a coach now, I'm going to leave behind all my stories and all my trauma, because that's not appropriate for this coach, we still arrive with that baggage. And I think that as coaches, even though we may not be using certain techniques or tools to dive into somebody's trauma, we have to be trauma informed, trauma sensitive to know that everybody who comes to the table is going to require safety. I don't know when I'm sharing with you when something is going to be coming up for me. You don't know when a client is sharing something with you that something is going to come up for you. And what we do know is one of the grounding foundational things that is required for relationships, for healing trauma, for identifying trauma is safety. That's why, you know, they've done all this research with therapists. And I think they've started to do it with coaching as well with this therapeutic alliance, it's called in the coaching alliance. It's really that often what the research is showing, it doesn't matter what techniques you use, what's important is the relationship that you have with your clients. And when you go back and you ask, well, what makes up a relationship? And how do we know if our relationship is a quote unquote good one? It's usually by how we feel, how we feel is going to be starting at a very, very fundamental level of the nervous system that is always assessing, do I feel like I'm in danger? Or do I feel like I'm safe? And if that nervous system reads danger, it's going to take a whole different direction. 

Molly Claire 06:53

Yes, yes, okay, this is awesome. I wanna highlight a couple of things because I know, well, Leah, you and I have talked about this because I know you, I believe, have the same starting point in your training that you do, that I do with my master coach training, which is, hey coaches or whoever you're working with, right? Hey, first and foremost, as a practitioner, you have to have that level of trust and safety within the relationship for anything to work. So I know we're both believers in that and we have that at the very beginning and that's why. That's exactly why, yeah, yeah. And then for me, I just heard from one of my coaches, one of my clients yesterday, talking about how much trust she feels in the relationship with me and what that has allowed for her, right? And I feel like, good, because I have a responsibility to ensure that I am doing everything within my power and ability to create that safe space. Yeah, absolutely. But I wanna make a couple of comments about what Leah just said because, you know, so Leah's saying it's interesting, right, that we would think, oh, well, we need safety in the therapy space, but that's got nothing to do with the coaching space or whatever. And also right alongside that, I wanna say also that there may be some of you thinking, well, safety, like that sounds kind of extreme, like what people are going around feeling unsafe, like this just seems like a little extreme or something like that. But the truth is that everyone listening, you have a nervous system. And whether or not we are aware of it, there are times in which our nervous system is sensing danger around us. And it could be in a parenting moment with our child. It could be in a relationship moment with our spouse, partner, right, with anyone at all. And so it's not like, oh, safety is required in the therapy space. And now we're telling you safety is also required in the coaching space. But in truth, any area in your life where you want to create better relationships, better connection, better growth, all of that, safety is required for all of it. We need to feel safe in these situations. And at the core of all of it, it comes down to, for us as individuals, knowing ourselves better, understanding our nervous system and creating safety within. And as coaches, what that means is that the more we can understand how do we create an environment that is conducive to helping our clients to be able to experience, create, I'm like searching for the words, right, but to create that within their own nervous system. How can we do that so we are open in this coaching space to their growth, to their creativity, to all of that. And then as an extension of that, and this is a big deal, as an extension of that, as my master coaches are establishing that within their sessions, their clients are then understanding more and more how to create their own safety in their life, right? So it has such a ripple effect. 

Leah Davidson 10:05

Yeah. And a couple of things that, you know, are key when people sometimes like, what do you even mean by safe? It's kind of like, you know, my son is interviewing for medical schools in Canada right now. And he was saying that one of the interviewers who's like, yeah, I think it was kind of like a vibe check. And I sort of laughed because I was like, it's kind of like a nervous system check. That's what we would call it. We're doing a vibe. Like what's the vibe? What's the, do I feel comfortable? Do I feel at ease? Do I not? Now it's not on you to make somebody feel safe. So that's the other. 

Molly Claire 10:38

Yeah, I was just thinking we're gonna talk more about that in just a second. So that's perfect.

Leah Davidson 10:43

But if you like I look at him, the vibe check is partly his responsibility of how does he show up in the space? Is he confident enough? Is he curious? Does he have courage? And the other thing I want to say is it's not 100% safety. And there's the nuances–physical safety, emotional safety. Yeah, we know almost all the time we're physically safe unless there's, you know, particular patterns of abuse or things like that. But generally speaking, most of us are physically safe. But then, you know, and then emotional safety, I think there's a lot of talk about that. Like you don't make me feel safe. Okay, a lot of our safety comes from within. We don't have to be 100% safe. We have to be safe enough. Being safe does not mean that there's no discomfort. There's no challenge. There's no doing something that doesn't require courage. But it is part of what we have to establish. Now I can provide cues of safety to you. I can try to create a container of safety. But it's not on somebody else to create that safety. And sometimes we may not even understand why we don't feel safe with somebody. Because our nervous system has established a pattern, probably even a pre-cognitive pattern. And we don't know what that pattern is. So what we can do now in our life is be in tune with what is going on in our bodies. How does my body communicate to me that I don't feel safe? And then I have like, which we could talk about later, that safety sequence of walking yourself through establishing safety for yourself. 

Molly Claire 12:37

Yeah, and I do want to talk about that in a minute because one thing that I'm so excited about is a journal that Leah came out with, I think it was last month now. So I definitely want to talk about that because if you're listening right now, you should have this journal. It's absolutely incredible. So we're going to talk about that in a minute. But I want to go back to this point, Leah, that you're making, which is we cannot make someone else feel safe. And this idea that we might walk around and just tell people, well, you're not safe. This isn't safe, right? That's pretty skewed and unbalanced in one direction. And I think there is a balance. And I think this is kind of how I would articulate this. So as we've been talking over the last few weeks in Master Coach training, we've talked a lot about safety comes first, right? Every single week you're saying that safety comes first. You have to have that safety first and foremost for anything to happen. And so what I want to share with all of you to help kind of bring this together, like what does this look like in a practical sense as a coach? Well, what I'm training my coaches to do is to understand the many ways in which we can establish an environment of safety, clearly communicating ahead of time what people can expect, making sure that you are using this trauma informed approach, this holistic approach where you are understanding important pieces of validating emotions, making space for thoughts, experiences, opinions to be allowed for permission to be there, right? So there are many, many things that you as a coach can do, can learn, can understand to create the best possible space for safety. 

Leah Davidson 14:40

And. Here's the and. Because I can do all those things, Molly, but your nervous system, your nervous, Molly's nervous system is telling her whether she's safe or dangerous or in danger. And it's telling her that based on comparing it to past experiences, comparing it to your life, there's your personality, there's everything. So if you come into an environment, and I think this is why it is so crucial that not only do you understand your own nervous system, but you help your clients understand their own nervous system. What does their nervous system look like? Because I always give this example of, so your nervous system has different states, and different states will elicit different emotions. So if I'm in a hyper aroused state, traditionally what we think of as fight or flight, and say I'm in a fight state, my emotions are going to be flavored with fight, anger, rage, resentment, defensiveness. So every question you ask me is going to be also flavored with my thoughts that support my state. So I give this example of, if you say to me, where did you get your hair done, Leah? And I am in an activated state. And I say, why? What's wrong with my hair? You don't like my hair? You have something to say about my hair? Like, there's a defensiveness, there's a flavor. I said something that was “neutral.” Where did you get your hair done? If I am in a hypo state where maybe I'm feeling really low, I'm feeling down. Just my nervous system is in a collapsed state. And you say to me, where did you get your hair done? I may be like, awful, I haven't done anything with it. You know, I really need to get it done again. I'm so embarrassed by it. It flavors it. If I'm feeling safe and confident and in a regular mood, where did you get hair done? Oh, Fiona down on Queen Street. Do you want her number? So we bring to everything the lens through which we view the world. So you could have every safety cue out there, you could be saying all the right things, you could be doing all the right things. But if I am bringing the lens of danger, I am going to be looking around for that danger. If I go for a walk with my dog at night, I'm looking behind my shoulder when I hear a noise like what was that? Is that somebody there? My dog's just sniffing away enjoying the time that he has. He's exploring. And I'm on like hawk mode. And I'm on hawk mode because of my nervous system. And maybe rightfully so. Right, right, right. It could be rightfully so. But it's important for us to know that the lens that we view the world is shaped through our nervous system, which is shaped by thousands and thousands of experiences. And it's not always accurate. 

Molly Claire 17:51

Yes, yes. Okay. So many things are coming to my mind right now that I want to sort through. But let's start with clarifying something for those of you listening. Like what do we do with this, right? So we know that we want to do everything to create safety and we know that we can't force safety, right? We know that each person is going to be best equipped to handle life as they understand more about their own nervous system, right? Which is where the journal and the work that you do comes in. But this is kind of my take. And as coaches, I think I would advise you to think about this in terms of you. How well informed and equipped are you to create the safest possible environment? Number one. Number two, how much do you understand about the nervous system, you know, to the degree that or to the end that you can teach your client about how they can understand more about their nervous system, right? And I just want to be clear. Like Leah is to me, like above and beyond. Like I just like Leah, I see you and I'm like, I think Leah knows more about the nervous system than anyone on the planet. And that's probably not true, but it seems that way. But here's the thing. Even having said that Leah has so much more to learn about the nervous system. And so this is why I say like, listen, you're never going to know it all. But do you know enough to help your clients? Because if your clients are coming to you, because they're trying to fix their marriage, guess what? They're having all kinds of states and reactions. And so, I think that we want to create safety in our coaching sessions to the degree that we can. We want to help our clients understand how to create safety for themselves. We want to help them understand how they can create safety and that will then play out in the areas that they're trying to change in their lives. So hopefully that helps you all to see those, those different pieces and parts of it. I want to ask you a question, Leah, and this may open a big can of worms for I'm going to ask you anyway. So we're, I'm going to ask you this, and then I want to talk about your journal a little bit as well before we wrap up. But we know that our nervous system is surveying the land, right? It's taking everything in. It's making decisions. And our nervous system is not always accurate, because some things are very much not a threat. And where do you see intuition fitting in? Where do you see those times when, you know, well, if I separate what I'm thinking and what I'm feeling, and I look at this logically, everything seems to be okay. There's still something coming up inside of me. And when is it worth paying attention to? Because I can say, you know, just a little bit of background, and I talked much more in depth about this on some past episodes about how thought work alone can be detrimental, for example. And I think it's this is where I think it's very nuanced, because we can, we can kind of take this stance where, well, we can't really trust our nervous system all the time, we can't really trust our emotions all the time, right? 

Molly Claire 21:12

And so we want to look logically, and we want to kind of like cut ourselves off from the neck down and just think, like, look at our thoughts here. And I don't think that's helpful or accurate, right? And the other end of this would be like, oh, if I'm feeling anything at all, if my nervous system is doing anything at all, it must be absolutely true, which is also not helpful, right? And and I'm interested to know your take on this, because I'll say in my experience, and the work that I do with my clients, what we're doing is we're always we're paying attention to our nervous system, we're paying attention to what are my needs emotionally and, you know, my clients are creating this, this connection with themselves that's so strong. And then within that, we kind of sift through, and we kind of identify, what are the feelings here that need to be paid attention to? Where does sifting need to happen? And where does it not? So that's, yeah, that's a little bit of the I mean, that's just like, right, like a droplet of the work that we do specifically, but I am really curious to know, how do you speak about this or teach this idea? 

Leah Davidson 22:20

You know, it's so interesting you're talking because I'm doing a big deep dive in intuition when I'm doing a retreat in Italy in September and this is one of the things that we're going to be looking at is how does intuition because if you think like we have intuition and you know, how do people describe intuition? Intuition, you know, the gut feeling that we have and just like that subtle knowing. So just by the language of talking about that, you can kind of tell the nervous system has to be involved in that because the nervous system is that background knowing. It's the spidey senses that we have. So I think they're very connected. We also, it's interesting talking about the gut. When our nervous system is dysregulated, people often have gut issues and you know, there's lots of talk about the gut being the second brain and the gut being where intuition lives. Well, if you have gut issues because of a dysregulated nervous system, it may be hard to trust your gut and to go because my gut always feels terrible. How am I going to trust my gut? So I think it speaks to, it's almost like dysregulated and I will be honest, I'm still sorting this out. You know, when you said I'm learning about the nervous system, I am and I continue to learn about how does this play in? How does this play in? And I always reserve the right to change my mind because we learn new things. We experience different things. Science comes up with different things, but I do think there's something to be said about to access your intuition and some people will, I think, have more intuitive thoughts, intuitive emotions, intuitive gut response. We want to be in the safest place possible. We want to be in that zone where we have a regulated nervous system. When we have a regulated nervous system, then we can combine the thoughts, the heart and the gut and start to see, okay, what is that story? I think when we're so dysregulated, and this has been my personal experience, even if intuition came like pounding at my door, I couldn't hear it because I was so dysregulated. And then once I started to know it's pounding at my door, I can't trust what I'm going to do with it. And as I become more and more regulated, I'm experimenting with intuition. I'm experimenting. I think that was a knock. And sometimes I'm able to look back in hindsight, oh, see, had I responded, this would have happened. So I'm in this like playing around with it mode. But the more I play with it, the more I realize if I am regulated, I hear it. And if I'm regulated, I'm not afraid to take action with it, to move towards it. I trust it more. Because I also trust that if it leaves me on a path that maybe is not the best path, I know how to get back. At the end of the world, it's not the end of the thing. So for me, intuition and nervous system will go hand in hand. But nervous system regulation really does come first. And then when you're regulated, I think it's like a dance that they go together. And then trusting, it's kind of fun when you're regulated. And it's sort of like you and I, Molly, we've been sort of bouncing this idea of like, I think we have to do something together. 

Leah Davidson 26:02

To me, I'm like, yeah, I know I need to do something with Molly. I have no clue what, when, why, how, I have no clue. But I also know I don't have to be in a rush for it. I know it's there. It's annoying. And if we decide to pursue something and it is a disaster, it doesn't matter. Maybe the purpose of pursuing something was not for the objective that I thought it was that there was something else in the wings. So I'm just having fun with, you know, allowing myself to follow the different paths that I go on and not being afraid to go down that path and say, oh, okay. And I think that's super important for coaches. That I, you know, go down that path. 

Molly Claire 26:51

Yes. Yes. I think this piece of this is such a lesson I've been learning this last year specifically, because as I become more in tune, right, with my knowing and greater regulation in these things, I will, I will know like with certainty, I need to take this path. And then I start going down that path or I do it and then it doesn't work out at all the way that I thought and I'm like, wait a minute, what? But that wasn't ever the point of it. And so I think there's just like a magic and a beauty in that trusting that it does allow us to continue to move forward and flow through life in the different directions and then take all the lessons and all the everything from it. It never looks the way we think it's going to go. And it's wild. It's mind blowing over and over again. 

Leah Davidson 27:37

It's usually, you know, is this a statement? Is it usually better? I'm like, I think in the end, it usually is better. In the very end. During, I reserve to retract that. During, sometimes it feels pretty terrible. But I do think like, you know, that grander. And then my own intuition is like things do work out for me. 

Molly Claire 28:00

Yeah. 

Leah Davidson 28:00

And having that trust, yeah. 

Molly Claire 28:02

Yeah, that's right, that's right. Okay, well, this has been amazing. I want to, we have so many opportunities, those of you listening to dive deeper into this, of course, Master Coach training, pre-enrollment is open, and Leah has a podcast, a nervous system training, a million things, but before we finish up, Leah, tell everyone about this phenomenal journal that is on Amazon Prime that everyone should have. I mean, honestly, this isn't just like, oh, I'm gonna promote your stuff. I'm like messaging Leah, I'm like, Leah, what can I give to my like, all the practitioners in my life? Because it's just everything. Okay, go ahead. I love it. 

Leah Davidson 28:41

I love it. And I'm excited because this is just the start. My intuition told me to go here and I'm moving towards other products I'm creating too now. So the journal was essentially my attempt at taking what we've been talking about here and putting it into an easy to digest way to meet mass numbers of people, to invite them to meet their own nervous system. So the journal really the first part of it walks you through just some basic explanations of what their nervous system is and then has exercises to guide you to mapping out your own nervous system. And then from there, there is 90 days where you start sort of tracking to develop the habits to help you create and build a healthy nervous system. And then there's some reflection pieces and so forth. But it really was my attempt at telling the world your nervous system matters. You want to get to know it. I look at, you know, Andrew Huberman, which is like be all and end all of science and everything. And he says all the time, your nervous system is your most valuable resource. And it truly is. And most of us know we have one and have never met it. And so this journal will introduce you to your nervous system. 

Molly Claire 30:03

Hmm 

Leah Davidson 30:03

And my hope then is that it propels you to do more work, to do more. I have more things that are coming, but there's so many resources that are out there. And I think that when we befriend our nervous system, and I use the term befriend because it's like, you do want to get to know, it's like your bestie. It's your friend that's built in and we don't know how do you have that relationship? And when you do that, it changes your outlook of life. It changes your relationship with everybody, your relationship with yourself, your relationship with your purpose. It changes how you work, how you move. It changes everything. So that's why I created it because I wanted it to be accessible to everybody. And it's on Amazon. So it's accessible to everybody.

Molly Claire 30:56

And one thing I want to say about this just to highlight is, because I know we've talked a lot about this in Master Coach training as well, is, you know, you'll say often, Leah, there are a lot of things about the nervous system out there, but not everything. It's not a one size fits all when it comes to the nervous system. And so that's one thing that's really unique about this journal and why I recommend all of you get it is that it's not only teaching you about the nervous system, but it's guiding you and teaching you to actually know and understand your nervous system and be able to use the things that will personally help you and that aren't just on an Instagram reel that's gone viral or something like that.

Leah Davidson 31:38

And I do think, like, as you were saying, you know, our nervous systems connect with different people. I don't expect that everybody would be like, oh, I want to work with Leah to learn about my nervous system. Our nervous system may not connect. That's the beauty of having so many people out there talking about it, which really I look at, it's also the beauty of coaches, you know, sometimes as coaches, we feel like oh, there's so many coaches, everybody's coaching on the same thing, everybody's doing the same thing. And really what it is, is your nervous system speaks to different nervous systems. You will attract. The more you know about your nervous system, the healthier your nervous system is. You will go into consults and sessions and your marketing with much less fear and danger because you're like, listen, this is my nervous system. It's going to resonate with some people, it's not going to resonate with other people. We're going to connect. We're not going to connect. So I think the more you understand, it really just propels your life forward. 

Molly Claire 32:41

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. This is awesome. Okay. Listen, everyone. The links to Leah's journal will be in the show notes. The information as to where you can find Leah and her podcast and everything is also in the show notes. There is also information, of course, about Master Coach training. Anything here that you've thought that's piqued your interest. Everything is in the show notes. Last thing I just want to have you tell everyone really quick, because I know this is an easy thing for them to find right now. What is your podcast called, Leah? How do they find your podcast? Building Resilience.

Leah Davidson 33:16

Watch it on YouTube, or it's on Apple, Spotify, Google, Amazon, it's all over the place. 

Molly Claire 33:23

Awesome. All right. Thank you so much, Leah. This has been awesome. 

Leah Davidson 33:29

Thank you for having me. 

Molly Claire 33:31

Thank you, everyone, for being here. Take this in. Listen to it over and over again. I cannot overemphasize the importance of understanding more about how your own brain and body nervous system work, and the same for your clients. It is a game changer, and so let's learn all we can and do the best work. All right, everyone. I'll talk with you next week.