00:39

Hey, everyone. Welcome to the podcast. We are talking about boundaries today. We are talking about boundaries in relation to your business, your relationships and personal life, and boundaries in terms of your relationship with yourself and the commitments that you make to yourself.

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00:58

Boundaries are a big deal. And I think that we don't realize how often it is a lack of clarity around boundaries and a lack of capacity and skill to uphold boundaries that is the thing that is making our life so much more difficult, that is making business difficult, that is an energy drain.

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01:18

So that's what we're talking about today. It is mid-February, and I swear to you, every single week in my community calls, whether it has been in training my master coaches or in the calls within the masterful coach collective community, every single week, the topic of boundaries is coming up.

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01:39

It's a big deal. We got to talk about it. So as we dive into this, I really want you to consider applying everything I'm talking about to you personally. My hope is that today you are going to get a little bit of insight as to where some of your boundaries are weak or unclear.

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01:58

You're going to get a little bit of insight into why it's difficult for you to understand or uphold your own boundaries and the tremendous value and benefit as you do. So that's what we are talking about today.

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02:12

As I am speaking to you right now, there is coming up this next week on February 24th, a class that I am teaching. I'm going to be talking with you about the reasons why you likely get stuck in your coaching business over and over again.

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02:31

So I'm speaking to those of you who feel called to coach, called to do the work that you do in your business as a consultant, as a helper, as a healer. And I'm going to be talking about why it can seem as though when you start on your life's purpose path in your business, life can come at you full speed.

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02:52

We're talking about why these tremendous growth experiences come up because what I have found in the last over a decade of being in the coaching industry and working with coaches and training them and helping them in their business, I've seen this time and again that we can interpret hangups, snags, frustrations, setbacks in the business as call it a sign or call it some kind of indication that maybe we're not cut out for this.

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03:21

Maybe this isn't the path for us. Maybe we can't do it. And what I want to tell you is that I have never, ever, ever met someone who is living in line with their purpose in a way that coincides with their business that has not experienced incredible failures, incredible rock-bottom moments.

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03:47

So here's what I'm saying. If you have felt frustrated, stuck in your coaching business, and you're looking every direction to figure out what is the answer, this class is for you. And if there is a part of you that is believing because of the internal pushback you have experienced, it is an indication that this is not for you.

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04:08

That is not true. And in fact, sometimes it can be an indication that this is exactly where you are supposed to be headed. So check out the link in the show notes or go to mollyclaire.com. I can't wait to be there with you.

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04:20

We're going to do some live coaching. I always like to make a personal experience and I would love to have you there. All right, boundaries. When we do not have clear boundaries for ourselves in our lives, in our relationships, in our business, it can lend itself to things like overspending.

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04:46

Why? Not feeling comfortable or being willing to say no. Not being willing to be honest with yourself about what's there to spend and what's not. You're about upsetting people, right? So this can happen with overspending.

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05:02

When we don't have clear boundaries in our business or in our work life, it lends itself to overgiving, overextending, over functioning. It lends itself to burnout. Taking on more than is reasonable in terms of responsibility of what you believe you are supposed to give.

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05:28

When it comes to relationships, very often we will find ourselves over-functioning in relationships, thinking if we give enough, if we do enough, if we people please enough, if we appease enough, that everything will be better, that someone will be happy with us, right?

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05:48

That if I overextend myself for my teenage daughter, she'll be happy with me, that she'll see how great her life is, that she'll be filled with gratitude. Right? So these are a few examples of what we do.

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06:03

We overspend, we overextend, we burn out, we aren't honest with ourselves, and we aren't true to ourselves with what we need. Now, why does this matter? Well, it matters for a lot of reasons. If we're overspending, how can we ever feel at peace with our financial situation?

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06:23

And overspending is very subjective, right? This is going to mean something different to everyone. So when I'm speaking about overspending, this isn't with a judgment about what you should or shouldn't spend.

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06:32

But for each of you and for me, I know when I am spending beyond my capacity and it doesn't feel good, right? So overspending, how are we supposed to feel at peace when we're doing that? When we think about relationships, overextending ourselves, and appeasing and people-pleasing to get what we want out of a relationship, how exhausting is that, right?

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06:53

How exhausting? And we're not really honoring the true authentic connection in the relationship. We're not honoring ourselves. And we're not truly honoring what is possible in a reciprocal, connected relationship.

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07:10

And I want to talk for one minute as well about what this can look like when we aren't having good boundaries with ourselves when we make commitments to ourselves. What does this look like? It means saying we're going to do something for ourselves and then not following through.

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07:27

It means not making the decisions about how we direct our mind, how we direct our energy to protect our emotional boundaries, right? What I mean by this is when we don't have good boundaries and make good decisions for ourselves about our energy, it can lend itself to us oftentimes allowing people, situations, and things outside of us to kind of hijack our emotional well-being.

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08:01

And this is another reason why getting clear on our boundaries, upholding our boundaries, and seeing the value on our boundaries matters. Okay. So all this being said, I want you to think for just a minute about the different areas of your life.

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08:16

I want you to just like high level, kind of scan your life. Think about business or work, maybe even work-life balance. Think about relationships, partner, parents, in-laws, children, siblings, friends.

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08:42

Think about a personal aspect of your life in terms of you. The space where you make decisions to fuel your body with nourishment, to move your body, to care for your mind, your emotions. I want you to just scan your life and notice where do you notice thinking there may be a place for you to set better boundaries.

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09:14

And some of the indications of this are an area feels a little out of control. One area of our life feels as though the power is outside of us. Maybe one area of our life feels particularly exhausting.

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09:32

So these are some indications of those weak boundaries where we're not really grounded, we're not really clear on ourselves, we're not taking ownership, we're not protecting our own energy. So I'm going to give you a few examples of this because truly, as I've said, it has been so interesting that week after week, a different flavor of the boundary topic has been coming up for my members, for my clients.

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09:55

And it was so interesting because this last week, we had in my community membership, we have a live coaching call. It's in our small group. And we had two coaching requests submitted that could not have seemed more different.

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10:11

One was one of my clients speaking about the relationship with their spouse and where they were trying to set boundaries and ask for things with regard to how they manage things with their son. Then we had another coaching request from one of my members who has a tax and bookkeeping business.

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10:31

And in that conversation, we're talking about how does she manage the flow of client communications? How is she upholding her boundaries? How can she quit feeling so exhausted and so burned out and feeling like her business can never really be what she wants it to be?

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10:47

Very different situations, both issues of boundaries. So let's talk about what some of these can look like. When someone in your life asks something of you, do you have a process in place for deciding if you will say yes or you will say no?

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11:13

When it comes to your business or work and you think about your time, how you manage your time, how you manage your communication. Are you clear on what communication you ask for? And are you clear for yourself on how the flow of communication coming into you is managed with regard to text, with regard to email, with regard to portals that you may have for communication?

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11:46

Think about that for a minute. And when it comes to your finances, how clear are you on the boundaries you need to set and maintain with spending? And keep in mind, finances, there could be so many different versions of how your finances look, right?

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12:07

Maybe you are a primary or sole provider. Maybe you are financially dependent in a partnership. Maybe you have children. Maybe you don't. Maybe you are sharing finances with a parent or a sibling in some way.

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12:22

There can be so many different versions of this. But what I want you to think about is this idea in your finances, how clear are you on the decisions you need to make, the parameters you need to set, and the boundaries you need to have to ensure that you can create financial safety and security.

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12:45

And I want you to think also about your personal commitments to yourself. How clear are you on the boundaries you need to set and uphold to ensure that you are taking care of your own well-being? I want you to think about this for just a minute.

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13:05

And I don't know where you are listening to this. Maybe you're driving, maybe you're walking, maybe you're laying down, whatever you're doing. Just take a minute to notice what is it like when you think about this one or two areas of your life and notice a little bit of that feeling as though the power is outside of you.

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13:31

Let's talk about a client case study. Come along with me as we think about how this could play out. Coach begins her coaching business, has a fantastic system set up for how her clients can communicate with her.

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13:48

This coach wants to make sure she is readily available to help them all along the way because she knows how important it is to her clients that she's there to support them. She sets up a client portal, has a plan exactly mapped out for how this will go.

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14:05

Because this coach wants to be there for her clients, she assures them that they can reach out anytime at all. Well, over time, this is what happens. Because she has offered up to be available at all times, she begins to feel responsible to respond at all times.

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14:28

When this client has her clients coming to her, emailing her, sending her a text message, she feels guilty telling them to go communicate in the client portal. What does this end up looking like? Over time, you can see that this coach is going to end up feeling as though she is always on call, answering clients at any time, in any way that they are reaching out to her.

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15:00

She is not setting proper boundaries. It is spreading her thin. It is not serving her. It is not serving her business and it is not serving her clients. Why? As a coach, as a leader, whatever your business is, because you are leading people through change, through progress and taking them somewhere, it is imperative that we, first and foremost, set the example of how to be leaders for ourselves, how to protect our own well-being,

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15:35

that they may have permission to do the same. Now, listen, I am not perfect at this. This is something I am constantly working on improving as well, but I'm not going to allow my own shortcomings in this way or learning curve to stop me from saying to you loud and clear, we need to be leaders first.

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15:56

We need to do our very best to put our best foot forward in caring for ourselves and setting boundaries. So with this example, you can see that over time, this coach would feel overextended. They would get burned out.

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16:11

By not setting clear boundaries and clear communication with their clients, most likely they are going to end up missing out on things, right? Not responding when they expect to, when the client is expecting them to.

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16:24

And especially if this coach is not willing to say clearly how and when clients need to communicate with her, she is going to be missing out on taking ownership of providing the best possible experience for them.

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16:40

I'm going to share with you something I talked about on my call in my community this last week because we were talking about this. One of my clients is, she does bookkeeping and taxes, and she was sharing with me her process with her clients and how do I send people to the portal and, you know, do this in a way that's really well managed.

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16:58

And I was giving them the example of my own tax guy. And let me tell you, I love my tax guy because he is so organized and he is so clear on his boundaries. And I will just be honest with you, sometimes it can be a pain to deal with a membership portal.

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17:17

Who wants one more membership portal? Who wants one more password? Can't we just email? Can't we make this easier? Can't they just hold my hand a little bit through this? I know many of you relate to that.

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17:27

I relate to feeling that way. And this is what I'll say. From the moment that I started working with my tax guy, he was very clear on how we communicate and the response time that I can expect. And even though it has been an experience where I have absolutely had to go through the client portal and I have had to follow the parameters and I have had to show up in a way that's required me to stay in line with the way he keeps things organized.

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17:58

What I will say to you is he is the absolute most organized and most efficient and most helpful professional in this area that I have ever had. Why am I saying all of this? Trust me when I say that when you are clear with your boundaries with your clients, it will give them more confidence and trust in the service you are providing.

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18:23

When you are doing a better job of maintaining your own boundaries and setting realistic timeframes for when you will respond to people, I promise you that you will be more organized, you will be more trustworthy, and you will feel a lot better about your business as you protect your own energy.

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18:46

So we've gone a little bit into this example, but I want to back up a little bit and say these same principles apply to every area of your life. And why do we not set boundaries? Well, a lot of reasons.

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18:59

Many of us have been taught and conditioned. And even on TV, there are a few shows that my daughter and I love to watch. And they're like Hallmark channel shows and they're so cheesy. And it's so funny how in particular on those Hallmark shows, it's like my daughter always teases me about this because we're watching and I'm always saying like, oh my gosh, they have no boundaries or they're over functioning or they're just like glorifying this emotional entanglement.

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19:26

And she's like, mom, you're ruining it. What are you doing? But it's kind of true. We see this so many places. And so many of us have been taught that saying no and protecting our well-being is selfish.

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19:37

So many of us are taught that the kind thing to do is to overextend, to accommodate at all costs, to be willing to do anything at any time when the reality is that is not always feasible if we are maintaining our health and well-being.

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19:53

And what I will also say without a doubt is that the more you can give yourself permission to see and understand your boundaries, to set your boundaries and protect your boundaries, you will be able to give and do so much more.

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20:14

So much more. Because it is all about capacity. And if we are always running on empty and overextending ourselves, we can be running around and we can think we're doing a lot of things, but what does it really give us?

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20:28

We end up exhausted, we end up resentful, and we aren't giving our best. And instead, when you can take the time to think about what do I need in order to have good boundaries for my well-being, boundaries for my time, boundaries for my energy?

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20:47

And what do I need to be able to set those boundaries and to maintain them? What I promise you is that you will be so much more grounded, self-assured, and energetic, and be able to not just do more, but do more quality, quality work, quality focus in your business, quality presence and connection in your relationships.

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21:13

It just has a ripple effect. So many of us have been taught boundaries are not nice. A lack of boundaries is nice. But let me tell you, it is just not true. So here are a few questions for you to consider as we finish up today's episode.

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21:30

And I hope that you are really opening your mind to noticing where you need to have better boundaries. Number one, do you know what boundaries need to happen? The way we find this out is by learning ourselves at a deeper level.

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21:49

This is the number one work piece of the work we do in master coach training and in the masterful coach community collective as well. This is the place where we are learning self. Why do I start with that?

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22:01

Why do I prioritize the learning of self? Because when you know and understand yourself well, know and understand your needs, that is when you will be able to make the best decisions for you and your life, your business, your relationships, everything.

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22:18

So question number one is, do you know your own needs? The second question is, what are the boundaries that you need to have in place and how will you move these forward? This is going to require awareness and skill, an understanding of communication, and it's also going to require what has to do with my third question, which is how will you begin to support yourself mentally, emotionally, and at a nervous system level to be able to begin to communicate and uphold clear boundaries.

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23:02

And this is a big one because once we have the awareness of the boundaries that we need and we have clarity on what we need to ask for, it can be really challenging to actually set those boundaries and follow through.

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23:16

This is when we risk people getting upset with us, people getting frustrated, people not understanding. This is when we risk feelings coming up within us of guilt, voices in our head telling us this isn't nice.

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23:30

You can't do this. You're selfish. And so beyond knowing what the boundaries are, being clear on them and having the skills to present them, this is why I am such a believer that it is imperative that every one of us have a coach that is going to understand how to support you mentally, emotionally, at a nervous system level, whatever you need to actually move those boundaries forward.

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23:57

I'm going to give you a few quick tips at what this can look like. When you move forward with setting boundaries, what are the beliefs or the thought frameworks that can support you in upholding those boundaries?

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24:11

Things like, what if asking for what I need is best for everyone? What if setting and upholding boundaries is going to help me to be a better person? What if boundaries are the most loving thing that I can do?

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24:28

Now, these are just a few options, but I just want to remind you, whatever you play with in terms of your thoughts and beliefs, it has to land with you. Don't try to override some emotion that's pushing back underneath.

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24:40

Let's talk about at an emotional level. In my program, in my community, I'm a huge believer in tapping. Use this tool. Notice those emotions that are coming up. Work with yourself emotionally. This will also help you with your nervous system.

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24:56

Remind yourself that it is safe for you to set boundaries. Create safety within your body. And one of the last things that I'll offer you here is it really helps to have support around you. I cannot tell you the power in our community when we're having these conversations and we're all there.

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25:16

Everyone there has each other's back. We're all in the same boat of saying, yes, boundaries are good. Boundaries are healthy. I'm allowed to set these boundaries. Have your community, have your team, have in place some things that you need to support you as you move forward in standing up for protecting your time, your energy, and your very important needs that you can have a greater impact in the world.

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25:43

All right, that's what I've got for you. I'll talk with you next week. And I hope to see every single one of you in my class next week. I can't wait to be there and to coach you live. I'll see you then.