00:45

Alright, welcome to today's episode, where I'm going to tell you why you're not getting what you want. 

 00:51

I'm going to tell you why your client is struggling to get what they want and meet their goals. We're going to talk about why you don't get what you want, but you actually get whatever it is your nervous system feels safe receiving. 

 01:06

So this is going to be an awesome episode. And before we dive in, make sure that you are registered for my upcoming webinar. I'm going to be talking about emotional mastery. Now listen, as a coach, as an entrepreneur, as someone invested in self-development and growth and helping others do the same, it is vital that you understand more about your own emotional world. 

 01:32

What I love about understanding our emotions is not only are we constantly unlocking whatever it is that's getting us stuck, but there is always more to learn. There's always more to understand about you as a human being and about our clients. 

 01:49

So all that being said, pause this podcast right now and sign up for the webinar. If you have not yet, you can find the link in the show notes, or you can also always find it at mollyclaire.com. We're talking about emotional mastery. 

 02:04

We're talking about that for you personally and the implications of emotional mastery when it comes to your clients or whoever it is you are working with to grow themselves. So here's the truth that no one talks about. 

 02:19

And that is that we don't get what we simply want in life. We have to really get our nervous system on board with whatever it is we want because we will get what our nervous system feels safe receiving. 

 02:35

We're going to unpack why this is. We're going to take a look at how this shows up in your life and how this shows up in your client's lives and certainly how it is showing up in your business and what to do about it. 

 02:47

Now, I want you to think about this. Every client that comes to you has something that they are really desiring to have or achieve. And very often this is something that they have tried many ways and many times to achieve, and they just can't seem to do it. 

 03:04

And they probably think the reason is that they're not capable or they don't know how or for some other reason outside of them, and they're coming to you for the answer. And usually the reason why each of us have not yet achieved what we want or received what we want in our life, gotten what we want is that our nervous system is used to something else as the norm. 

 03:29

So if we have always struggled with money, that is what feels normal and comfortable to our nervous system. And so as we are wanting to have a better relationship with money and greater ease, well, guess what? 

 03:41

As we move toward that, our nervous system says, no, no, no, no, no. Let's pump the brakes on this. Let's create a little bit of chaos. This feels very stressful. Let's sabotage so that we can stay the same. 

 03:55

Remember, according to your nervous system, familiar is safe. And I want you to think about all of the implications of this when it comes to your clients and what they're wanting to achieve, and when it comes to you and what you are moving toward. 

 04:12

Now, let's pause for just a minute and talk about the power of vision and wanting. I am a huge believer in the power of vision. One of the very first things that I do with my clients, whether they are working with me privately or working in master coach training, is we are always first taking a look at what are your values? 

 04:34

What is it that you are trying to create in your life? What are the values within that? And how can we build a vision for what you are trying to create that aligns with those values? And there's a lot of power in anchoring ourselves in a vision. 

 04:51

This is going to allow us to stay the course when challenges come. This is going to allow us to stay the course when the nervous system is pushing back. So I want to make it clear that as I'm making the statement while we don't get what we want, our nervous system has to be on board. 

 05:10

I'm not discounting the power and importance of having a vision and wanting. And again, the best way to do this is aligning your values and your desires and your goals so that you can give energy to the direction you are heading, okay? 

 05:26

So before we really talk about the nervous system rule, I just want to reaffirm what you hear me say always over and over again. The things you want matter. Your wants are worth pursuing. Wanting is not selfish. 

 05:40

It's a sign of aliveness and turning desires into an action and bringing them to fruition requires courage and clarity. Okay, and so these all matter, keep envisioning, keep wanting, and let's take a look at this layer that people often miss because this is the game changer. 

 06:01

So the nervous system is designed to keep us safe, not to help us achieve our wildest dreams, okay? Our nervous system equates familiar with safe. So again, I gave an example, if you've always struggled with money, that's going to feel familiar, right? 

 06:18

If someone grew up around scarcity or having a lack of love or a lack of attention, that is going to feel safe. So even if they consciously want more love and attention, what will feel familiar or safe or normal to them is having less than that, okay? 

 06:38

And I'm sure you can think of many examples of this, right? Think of any way that we are conditioned to accept as a normal way of living, and then think about the ways we want to rise above that, have more, and notice that the difference there is going to require you to get your nervous system on board with something else being the new normal, okay? 

 07:04

And I can't talk about this topic without mentioning the amazing Leah Davidson. Leah had a podcast episode, I believe it was last month, about ways that we sabotage. She talks about the nervous system. 

 07:16

You definitely want to check it out because it definitely goes hand in hand with what I'm talking about here. So let's talk more about regulation, nervous system regulation in particular, and how this is the missing link between what you want and actually getting there. 

 07:34

So nervous system regulation is not just about being calm, it's about expanding your window of tolerance for receiving more. So, we can often think that we need to expand our window of tolerance for maybe uncomfortable feelings, right? 

 07:53

Keeping ourselves in a calm state when we may want to go in a stress state. But what we don't realize is having more of what we would consider a "good thing" right? More love, more money, more attention, more success feels unfamiliar, therefore is scary to our nervous system. 

 08:10

And so nervous system regulation is in part really helping our body get used to something that is different. Okay? So, regulation allows us to stretch into what we want instead of snapping back into familiar patterns. 

 08:26

And one of the best ways we can do this, and this is the work I do with my clients both privately and also in Master Coach training, is working gently with change. And this is where in my program we have an entire built-in five-part masterclass on Tapping. 

 08:47

Tapping is one of the ways we can get our nervous system on board with changes. The more ways we can create safety in our body within changes and also within our vision that we have, the more likely we are to gently and smoothly move toward what we want. 

 09:06

So I want to be clear, if you're trying to hustle your way into that vision that your body doesn't feel safe in holding, you will either burn out or you will sabotage. One of the two will happen, mark my words, and neither one is very fun because I have been in both positions. 

 09:23

Let's talk for a few minutes about the signs that your nervous system does not feel safe receiving. Okay? Common symptoms. Think about, as I'm naming these, how often these show up for you or how often they show up for your clients. 

 09:37

Procrastination. I had the plan. I felt so motivated. Why do I feel stuck? How about this one? Overwhelm at key opportunities. So the perfect thing comes up and all of a sudden we're frozen. We can't see clearly. 

 09:51

Feeling unworthy or undeserving is another one that may come up. Freezing when things go too well. Chronically undercharging or undervaluing yourself or other ways that you may be sabotaging a situation. 

 10:06

Now, I want to mention that these things I've just listed are not personality flaws. They are nervous system patterns. And one thing you will notice: the more conscientious you are about bringing your nervous system on board with getting used to a new normal. 

 10:24

You can actually feel the sense of being a bit foggy, a bit sluggish, because even though you are moving towards something better, even if you're working to reduce your stress levels, your nervous system has to acclimate. 

 10:40

It has to get used to a normal, and that requires energy. Okay? So don't underestimate the real and true energy this requires from your body to make positive changes. Let's talk for a minute about how you can bridge the gap between your vision and the safety that you need to feel. 

11:00

Here are a few things you can use. Somatic anchoring, okay? This is tuning into a sense of safety while visualizing your goals, reminding yourself it's safe to receive this. And even as I'm talking to you, I'm wanting to put my hands on the tapping points because I use tapping so often when I'm creating safety and visualizing, okay? 

 11:21

Another tool is really microdosing change, where we're introducing these small manageable changes rather than taking this huge leap into the deep end. I talked a little bit about this a few weeks ago where I was talking about let's not do the big changes. 

 11:36

Let's do these small moments. And if you haven't heard that episode, I highly recommend you go back and listen to it, okay? Another really important thing you can do is resourcing. Find emotional or relational anchors that help you to feel secure. 

 11:51

Rely on support from people that are going to let you know how excited they are for the changes that you're making, where they can communicate to you connection and support within the shifts that you're making. 

 12:04

That is a very powerful, powerful thing to do. And I'm gonna give you one more option here that you can utilize, and that is journaling a little bit. Take the time to ask yourself, what feels unsafe about having what I want? 

 12:17

What is it that's going to feel unfamiliar or new? And how can I gently take myself to this new place? Here's another prompt for you. What am I afraid will change if I get it? If I get this relationship that I want, if I get the business that I want, what is it that I'm afraid will change? 

 12:38

Or what am I afraid I will lose? This is going to give you really good insights into where you want to speak safety to your body and your nervous system. So, as we close up this topic today, this is what I want you to think about. 

 12:52

As a coach, as an entrepreneur, as a creator, how can you use this in a practical way? Remember that it is not just about setting goals for yourself in your business, but it is creating congruence with what your body feels safe with and what you are envisioning wanting, okay? 

 13:12

And in regard to the ways that you support your clients, you want to make sure you're helping your clients to understand how they can get their nervous system on board, right? Helping them to cultivate a felt sense of safety, not just using mindset shifts. 

 13:27

And this is a big reason why, when we're doing only mindset work as coaches, it can work for a while and it can work in certain ways, but ultimately it's not gonna do the trick because before long, your emotional world will push back or your nervous system will push back. So we really want to make sure that as coaches, we are supporting our clients in these incremental changes. Alright, as we bring this episode to a close, I just want to remind you that you can want something deeply, but unless your nervous system is on board, you will stay stuck. 

 14:01

You can build safety and increase your capacity to receive. It's not about pushing harder. It's about supporting your body as you stretch. Really take the time to take this in. Do some journaling about this, reflect on it, find out how it is that you can better support yourself as you move toward your goals. 

 14:22

And, of course, the upcoming webinar on emotional mastery is going to be a great place to talk more about this. And definitely, if you want to take a deep dive and expand your own emotional resilience, your own nervous system capacity, and your ability to serve your clients with this understanding. 

 14:41

Make sure to check out Master Coach Training Early Enrollment because we are doing it now, and it is going to be a phenomenal group of coaches. All right, that's what I've got for you. I'll talk with you next week.