00:39

Hello, and welcome to this episode of Life, Mastered, where I'm talking with you about what is missing in the world of self-help, in the world of personal development, and in the world of coaching and guiding transformation.

​

00:54

And what's missing is a pretty big deal because it truly is the reason that so many people who are seeking growth, seeking change, and actually making great changes in their lives still find themselves feeling a bit empty, a bit dissatisfied.

​

01:13

This sense of something inside me is missing. Something inside me is wrong. No matter how much I do, no matter how much I try to fix, no matter what I learn, I can't quite feel better. This is what we're talking about today.

​

01:28

Okay. So come with me, if you will, for a minute, and let's think first about the things in your life that you have done to try to better yourself, in particular with regard to your external circumstances.

​

01:42

Maybe this is something you've done to improve your financial situation. Maybe this is exercise or nutrition, something you've done to improve your physical health. Maybe this is a list of things that you've tried to incorporate into your life to make it run more smoothly.

​

02:00

Or maybe it's a list of things that you're doing to improve relationships. Take a minute to think about the effort you have put there. And I want you to just notice how it feels when you think about that.

​

02:15

Notice any feelings of accomplishment or pride, feelings of dissatisfaction or disappointment, maybe even feelings of a little bit exhausted, like I've tried to do so many things and I'm not quite sure I'm really feeling the way I want to even still, or any variation of those.

​

02:36

Okay. Now, let's go to the ways in which you have intentionally been working on the self. Maybe this is around your mindset. Maybe it is around how you work with your nervous system to have regulation.

​

02:55

This is a big thing now, right? I talk about these things all the time with regard to my method and my training where we do mind mastery, emotional resilience, nervous system, and action strategies. So I want you to be thinking about some of these internal world kind of things that you do for yourself, ways that you are focusing on working on the self to improve your life.

​

03:17

Okay. And as you're thinking about those efforts that you have put in, that effort that you have put in to attend to your internal world, notice what comes up for you now. Maybe feelings of excitement, confidence, maybe discouragement.

​

03:38

Maybe a little bit of a sense of I've done so much, I've done so many things. And why do I still feel a bit of this emptiness? So I just want you to check in to what you're noticing. And as you do, this is what I will say.

​

03:58

I have come across more than a few coaches, people in the transformation space who have checked just about every box in terms of trying to quote unquote fix their internal world. And many of the things they have done, many of the things all of us do, make a significant difference, right?

​

04:19

It's pretty hard to work on your mindset and not see some impactful changes. It's pretty hard to, you know, look at your internal world and notice the things that you need to change mentally, emotionally, and otherwise, and not have positive experiences, right?

​

04:34

So that is all part of the deal. And this is my message for you today. This is what I really want to focus on. The key thing that I believe is missing the most in all of this work is the acknowledgement of and the work around the needs of the human being, the emotional needs of the human being mattering.

​

05:01

You guys hear me say a lot of these things on the podcast over and over. Things like, you matter. The things you want matter. The things you need matter. Your feelings matter. And there is a reason that I speak to these things over and over again with conviction.

​

05:20

And, you know, in some of the coming episodes, I'm going to share with you a little bit more about my own story, but I'll just say today that it was through the darkest moments and darkest days in my life that I learned this truth to my core.

​

05:38

That you, as a human being, have emotional needs that not just matter, but that are essential to you thriving as a human being. Those needs within you being essential to have them met so that you can feel whole, that you can feel confident, that you can trust yourself and your decisions, and truthfully that you can ultimately know yourself.

​

06:16

It's those needs that we have, oftentimes that we try to minimize or diminish, that are the key to finally feeling full and whole. Okay? So let's talk about some of the ways that we can minimize and dismiss our needs.

​

06:38

Well, the reality is that we can use mindset work in a way to actually minimize or dismiss our needs, telling ourselves when our needs are not being met in a certain situation or we're not meeting our own needs, things like, I should have a better attitude about this.

​

06:55

I should think positively about this. I should focus on the good. And I want to point out that these can be very helpful things to bring into our mindset. And they can also be ways that we minimize something underneath the surface for us that needs to be paid attention to.

​

07:15

Okay, think about this. In the culture of achievement, and let's take the example of improving ourselves physically, right? Where if we are competing, where we push past some of the needs that we have.

​

07:28

Now, is pushing harder and doing more and pushing ourselves to the edge helpful in some ways and sometimes? Yes. And in other ways, how are we communicating to ourselves that we should ignore the signals from our brain and body that we need something?

​

07:45

And how are we actually bringing that in as a pattern? And I want to talk a little bit more about some of the specific needs that we have. So as I'm talking about needs here, I'm talking about emotional needs.

​

07:59

And this can be a very confusing topic, especially because, you know, as people here in the world of self-development and self-help, we very much subscribe to this idea that it is up to me to make sure my needs are met, right?

​

08:13

We subscribe to this idea that we don't want to put the power outside of us. We don't want to depend on other people to make sure that we're okay and that our needs are met. We want to take ownership of that.

​

08:23

And while I agree with this, it's also true that as we step into understanding our needs, validating those needs, and caring for our needs, there is also an element of connection with others in relationship and the ways in which community and people around us help to meet our emotional needs.

​

08:49

This is not something we can do in isolation. And I really want to make this clear, because while we can't seek others to validate and take care of all of our needs without us really participating in that, right?

​

09:02

We also cannot be of the mindset that we are meant to thrive in isolation because we are not. So let's take a minute to think through some of the emotional needs that we have as human beings. Every human has core emotional needs.

​

09:24

They are as essential as air and water. As much as we want to believe that they don't matter and we'll be okay, they do exist. And the more we deny them and believe that we shouldn't have those needs, the more dissatisfied we feel, the more disconnected we feel, the more heightened emotionally we feel.

​

09:43

These are some of the universal needs that we have. Safety and stability. The need for love and belonging. We need to believe that we are worthy of being seen, heard, valued, and loved. We need a sense of freedom and autonomy, a sense of competence and purpose, and we need to experience a sense of comfort and soothing when we are distressed.

​

10:16

These are some universal emotional needs. And isn't it interesting how as we think about this list that I've just shared, how many times do we try to minimize that need and say we're okay? I shouldn't need validation from anyone else.

​

10:31

I should be able to validate myself. Yes, it's true we need to validate the self. And it's normal to have that exchange of energy back and forth and to desire to feel valued, right? Desire to feel that sense of belonging.

​

10:47

And so it's so interesting to see how when our needs aren't met and it is a painful experience, we can then decide to disconnect from those needs, try to deny those needs and diminish those needs, and find a coping strategy to deal with having unmet needs.

​

11:09

And this, this right here, is where the emptiness lies. When our needs go unmet or when we stop believing they matter, it creates this emptiness, this void, this disconnect, which is what then is filled with the thoughts like, what is wrong with me?

​

11:28

What still needs to be fixed? What's missing? Okay, so if you relate to what I'm saying, you are not alone. And I am so glad you are here and listening. And I want to talk a little bit more about what you can actually do about this.

​

11:43

Like what are the implications and what do we do about this? Somewhere along the way, most of us learned that our needs didn't matter. Or we came to find out that our needs wouldn't be met no matter what we tried, right?

​

11:57

We came to believe that we were inconvenient or unimportant or that everything and everyone else went before us. And the problem with this, again, is that we learned that by being helpful or achieving or keeping the peace or being easy, that we would be loved and accepted.

​

12:16

So therefore comes in the diminishing of the needs, right? And then fast forward to adulthood, here we are trying to fix, trying to solve, trying to achieve in an effort to get rid of this empty feeling that we experience inside.

​

12:30

And I know that some of you listening are definitely relating to some of what I'm saying. And the shift I want to offer you today is that a change can happen when we move from a place of how do I fix myself?

​

12:47

How do I fill this? And instead engage in a journey of knowing the self so deeply that we can understand what our needs are and how we can honor them and validate them and ask for those needs to be met.

​

13:10

It's kind of like I can have a faucet that's broken and I can keep trying to do patchwork on it, but it's not really getting fixed, right? I'm not actually finding out what is underneath. And I will tell you that I have experienced this personally and I've seen this with my master coaches because this truly, the work of the knowing of the self and the work of the identifying of the emotional needs and actually learning how to attend to those needs is the foundation for the greatest transformation.

​

13:44

And what I have seen in my clients over and over again is that as they do the work of the self-knowing, of the discovery of the needs, of the attending to needs over and over again, what it does is it validates the self.

​

14:00

And when the self is validated for me, I can more confidently speak up for what I believe. When the self is validated, I can more easily and confidently ensure that my needs are met. I will engage in relationships in a way that communicates that my needs matter.

​

14:23

And it becomes something that doesn't need to be forced where we're fighting to have people listen and pay attention and meet our needs, but instead, because we actually now, because you, when you know the self, validate the needs, validate the self, when you believe that you are worthy of and valued enough to take up space and have your needs met, what it means is that you feel and show up and engage in a completely different way.

​

14:54

And this is the power of this level of self-knowing. This is the power of it. And what I've seen with my clients is not only do they feel more confident in who they are, but they trust themselves even more than they ever did.

​

15:11

They make decisions with clarity. They run their business with more confidence. And for my coaches, they're able to help their clients to then go through this journey of this powerful self-knowing and self-discovery.

​

15:27

It's kind of like this. We can keep reaching for the achievement. We can keep trying to fix the things and patch things up, right? And we can try to teach ourselves to speak up more and to figure out how to make better decisions.

​

15:40

We can try to do all that. But when we take the time of the connecting of self and whatever it is in us that has been ignored, and when we can pay attention there, what it means is we are filling the cracks in our own foundation.

​

16:01

And suddenly, you begin to feel a little more whole, a little more filled, a little more certain about who you are and about what your purpose is. And this does an amazing thing. It helps us to better regulate our emotions.

​

16:28

It helps us to have more awareness around the thoughts we're experiencing that are or are not helpful. And it allows us to take such aligned action because we know ourselves and we know what we care about and we know where we're headed.

​

16:48

And with that alignment comes powerful action and not just action that creates those external results, but the type of action that comes from a feeling of being whole and complete. So you've heard me say this before, and I will say it over and over again.

​

17:10

Who you are matters. Get to know yourself. Your needs, they matter. The things you want and what you value and what you care about, it matters. Treat it as if it does. And so many of us have gaps in this area.

​

17:32

So many of us have learned to minimize and dismiss our needs. But what I want to tell you is that if you will just take the time to ask yourself a little bit more often, what do I need and how can I care for myself?

​

17:48

It will begin to fill the cracks of that foundation. It will begin to shift your beliefs about yourself, to shift your beliefs about what's possible for you, and to shift your experience, to go from being someone who is searching for achievement and fixing and striving to fill that void, and instead moving you to a person who feels certain in who you are, grounded in your capabilities, and having the clarity of mind to make the decisions in your life that will take you exactly where you want to go.

​

18:28

This is what I've got for you. Those of you interested in doing this type of work with me, come with me. Go to mollyclare.com. We are enrolling for master coach training and certification right now. We begin in January.

​

18:42

It is a deep dive program where you can either focus on self-mastery or coaching mastery to be a coach in your business. And also, I have a new membership where we are doing this work as well. I will be telling you more about it, but go on over to mollyclare.com.

​

18:56

Let's help you get to know who you are and what you need to finally feel whole and alive so you can thrive with the clarity you want. All right, that's what I've got for you. I'll talk with you next week.