00:39

Hey, everyone. Welcome to this conversation today about how do we effectively advocate for ourselves, advocate for what we want. How do you advocate for what you want in your relationships? How do you advocate for what you need or want in your business? 

 01:01

How do you advocate for yourself in creating the life you want? This is what we're talking about today. I know this can be a pretty difficult skill for many of us to master. I'm right there with you in this. 

 01:18

And I think that some of us can fear being too far on the side of being too loud, being too aggressive. And some people can fear really not feeling confident, advocating, or standing up at all. So wherever you fall in this, let's talk about what it takes to advocate for you and what it means when we can advocate for ourselves, meaning what is possible when we advocate for ourselves. 

 01:48

So this is what we're talking about today. Before we go any further, those of you that are coaches, make sure you are signed up for my one day workshop. We are talking about coaching mastery and the very things that we're talking about here in this episode, about the skills to advocate for ourselves, are the very same things that you as a coach can help your client with. 

 02:09

And so make sure you come to learn more about how I teach the four-part framework, how these four fundamentals help you to help your clients get the results they want in their life. So make sure to join me there. 

 02:22

And by the way, we are still selling the retreat. So the deep reset retreat, end of April. You do not want to miss it. Me and Melanie Faye, private luxury cabin, amazing food, unmatched experience. So go to mollyclare.com and click retreat to get the details. 

 02:39

All right, let's talk about how do we advocate for ourselves. And just take a minute right now to think about an area of your life where you would like to speak up for yourself a little bit more. And maybe you're even thinking of an area where you keep speaking up, you keep asking, but somehow it's not working. 

 03:08

The message isn't seeming to be getting through. So just take a minute and notice that area of your life where you would like to be able to effectively advocate for what you want. Now, in this conversation, I'm really talking about the power of you and what you can focus on to be a stronger advocate for self. 

 03:35

And truly, it is less about the language we use and it is more about the confidence within you, the certainty within you that you are allowed to have what you want and that what you are asking is reasonable, is acceptable, is okay to ask for. 

 03:54

All right. So the first thing that we need to understand about being able to effectively advocate for what we want in our life is you first have to know what you really want. And I highly recommend that whatever area of life came to mind for you, you take a minute to think about what is it I'm ultimately wanting here? 

 04:23

And why is it that I want this? And one of the most important pieces of this step is validating for yourself that what you want matters, that your needs matter, and validating those feelings and desires. 

 04:49

Because the reality is that a lot of the reason that we struggle or waffle on advocating or advocating effectively is we are often the first ones to dismiss or minimize what we want. Well, I shouldn't really want this, or maybe I'm not allowed, or maybe they think this is unreasonable. 

 05:08

No. The first thing to do, the first thing, the first place to start is what is it that I really want? And why do I want it? And is it okay for me to validate this desire within me? Now, here's what I'll say. 

 05:25

This is step one. And sometimes when we then advocate and we engage in conversations and we communicate in relationship, sometimes we find solutions or things that we didn't first imagine, right? It's almost like if we're trying to negotiate with our needs before we even present them, we're not, we don't have that strong footing. 

 05:46

So you've got to first get grounded in you. What do I want? Why do I want it? Why does it matter to me? And can I validate that it's okay that this matters to me? This is step one. You've got to do it. 

 06:01

Do not skip it. The other thing that is crucial when it comes to being able to advocate for what you want, again, in your relationships, in your business, in your life, saying, hey, this is something I want to claim having in my life. 

 06:18

I want to stand up for what I want. And sometimes when we're talking about advocating for what we want in life, this goes back to a willingness to set boundaries, to have standards, to say no to things that don't align and to say yes to things that maybe have seemed too good to be true. 

 06:33

So I did an episode on boundary setting a few weeks ago. Go back and listen to that because when we're talking about advocating for what we want in our life, what I'm saying is, yeah, if I'm going to step up and say, I want this in my life and I'm going to claim it, I am then advocating for that in every decision along the way, in every way that I show up or don't show up. 

 06:57

Okay. So when we're thinking about advocating for what we want, one of the other things that is crucial to do is work on your belief. We've already figured out what we want, right? We've validated the need. 

 07:10

We validated the desire. We've said this is okay. Now, do I believe that this is possible for me? Do I believe that I can have the profitable business and the sense of ease and quality of life that I want? 

 07:25

Do I believe that I'm good enough to have or allowed to have that fantastic relationship that I want? And I recognize that as I'm saying, work on the belief, you know, some of you may be thinking, well, how do I do that? 

 07:41

Right. Or do I just try to like twist my thoughts in a pretzel? How do we actually do that? And what I want to say is I recognize that building belief is often a bit of a process. And it requires us to tune into some of the subconscious, to work with our nervous system, to, I just, I recognize that it's not as simple as, oh, I'm going to check this box. 

 08:06

But all I will say for the sake of this conversation is work on that belief. If you want something, think about what is my level of belief that I can have it, that I'm allowed to have it. And work on that belief. 

 08:19

Work on feeling safe when you think about the reality of having what you want safe in your body, safe in your nervous system. It's safe to relax. Okay. And the next thing I want to highlight is working on it being safe to speak up for what you want. 

 08:43

I'm going to give you just a very simple practical tip for doing this. You can use the method of tapping and tap as you practice speaking up, saying what you want to say to someone, practicing feeling safe in your body as you rehearse and think about saying what you want to say. 

 09:06

And this, of course, is in the space of a relationship or advocating at work or in your business. And with regard to advocating for what you want in your life, even still, you can practice, you can rehearse saying, this is what I want. 

 09:20

This is what I'm asking. This is what I'm claiming. And we can do this through tapping. We can do this through journaling. We can do this through walking and rehearsing in the mind. I'm a huge believer in motion, especially for me. 

 09:36

One of the things that I often do right now, I have a bit of a foot injury, so I'm not able to walk. And let me tell you, it is killing me. But I am able to bike and I am able to rollerblade and I am able to climb. 

 09:46

So I love to go to the climbing gym. And as long as I wear shoes that are like a little gentle on my foot and I only use my heel when I'm climbing on the right side, I'm able to move up the wall. And this might sound funny, but like for me, these activities are so vital for me in being able to move my body and move my emotions and to be able to help me to process things and to have things integrate into my mind and body. 

 10:15

So there are a lot of ways that you can do it, but make sure to take the time to practice and rehearse feeling safe in what you're asking for. Okay, safety in the body, nervous system regulation. I want to just touch on a few quick things before I let you go with regard to advocating for yourself. 

 10:37

I already mentioned this earlier, but one of the reasons we struggle to advocate for ourselves is we are dismissing and minimizing what we want before we've even spoken up for it. Or we're already anticipating what the answer is going to be. 

 10:51

We're already anticipating that in our relationship, we're going to get pushback, that in business or work, we're going to get, you know, denied or have things put back on us. Or we're afraid when we advocate for ourselves in our life, it just won't work out the way we want it. 

 11:06

Because how many of us have experienced that over and over? So what do we do? We dismiss, we minimize, we negotiate with it before we even give it a try. And this is normal. We don't need to criticize ourselves for this. 

 11:22

The reality is that we're afraid of disappointment. We are fearing disappointment. And what a hard thing to experience. Right? Who wants to feel disappointment? I don't. And what I will say is the more you can strengthen your conviction in what you want, strengthen your ability to create safety within you as you advocate for what you want, the more you can create safety in the act of speaking up, and the more you can learn to be with yourself in the difficult emotions, supporting yourself within the disappointment, that you will be able to build the capacity to navigate those very hard experiences with a little more softness, with a little more comfort, with a little more ease. 

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And what a gift. What a gift to know. Because when you build your confidence in your ability to get through disappointment, to get through devastation, to get through sadness, it will allow you to be stronger and more bold in what you go after and what you ask for. 

 12:40

So trust me when I say being with yourself emotionally is a skill worth building. All right. As we finish up, where are you going to advocate for yourself? How are you going to take the time to first advocate for yourself within you? 

 13:01

Remind yourself, you're allowed to want this. It's okay to speak up. I'm allowed to have things I need and want, and I am allowed to ask for them. And what if I can take care of myself within the hard feelings that may happen when things don't turn out the way I hoped? 

 13:23

That's what I've got for you. I hope to see you all on one of my upcoming live calls, my one-day workshop, and hopefully at the amazing Reset Retreat. All right. Have a beautiful day. I'll talk to you next week.